Crash and burn

Heh I knew that exercise was bad for me.  I never managed to do another baby step after that.  I tried but failed.  Time to start all over again.  Day 1 again.  Been reading the daily digests and reading a lot about back door flying and flying in through the side door and I think that is what I need to do.  Sorry FLY lady gonna have to skip some of your steps for my own good.  But I don't think she will mind anyway as she wants us to adapt the system for our own use.  We don't have to do everything her way or anyone else' way either.  Our way.  My way.  What works for me and my household.  I like keeping lists close to me but I don't like creating excess trash.  I found that a 3x5 index card folded in half fits in a CCG (Collectable Card Game) Card protector easily.  I have managed to declutter most of my Magic The Gathering cards out of my house.  I sold the vast majority and kept a few.  I have found other uses for the card sleeves one of which is to hold my todo lists.  They work well with Dry Erase pens too so I keep one of those on me and mark items off as they get done.

Took me a while to get my butt out of the dumps.  Depression is a real killer.  Took me going with OES sisters on an afternoon/evening road trip out to Harriman to the Dyllis Chapter for their official visit.  Had a blast.  I just needed some spur of the  moment outings.  The trip to the Farmers Market downtown was another Blast for me.

I did managed to clean out my MBR for the most part but clutter is creeping back in.  Perhaps this weeks missions will assist in helping me get it permacleaned out (sorta)  You see one of the favorite hotspots in my house is the bed.  And well in order to go to bed it has to get cleared off.  Most of the time stuff gets shoved in the floor, on the dresser or desk and I end up tripping over so much crap it ticks me off.

Well I went ahead and with the hubby's permission ordered some FLY tools.  Am looking forward to using the Sweepa on  my carpet in the LR.  You almost cant tell what color its supposed to be for all the white dog fur.  I am still gonna use my swiffer for most floor cleanings tho  I love that thing so much.  Have hardwood floors thruout and the carpet in the LR is an area rug that the dog loves because when she sits or does anything other than stand there she doesn't slide around.  Found that music or some kind of sound is essential.  Have to have it to clean.  Found another tool.  HGTV.  Watching their shows motivates me.  Only one problem we don't have cable anymore.  Solution: they have full  programs on their website but the commercials are a bit short for getting stuff done in.  Yup I clean during commercial breaks.  Have to move laptop round the house tho and that can get a bit annoying but it helped me do the mass clean on the MBR the other day.  Lets pick a show and do it again after I do my MR...

6-2-2011 Day 5: Write down what you hear

As I said previous this one is dangerous for me.  I pulled out some paper and I gave my depression a voice and wrote down what it said.  The pain still brings tears to my eyes.  I don't know how to negate what it said or turn it around and say nice things about myself as I can't think of anything nice to say.  I was hoping my DH would be able to help me but instead of turning them around he simply had responses  that mainly consisted of "Bull S**t" There were some that had more to them than that but I don't think we were able to do what FLYLady expected.  I don't know what to do with this list right now.  I know reading it will bring me to tears but I don't know that throwing it away is what I need to do at this time.  I just wish I could declutter the depression out of my life as easily as I can declutter the stuff out of my life and even that isn't easy.  At this point all I can do is shut up the negative things...  Remember what your mama said:  If ya can't say anything nice don't say anything at all.

I think I may have kicked the Farmville habit for a little while. I have both farms to the point where I don't have crops withering in the plots so i can leave them alone without guilt. I managed to get my MR and ER done and managed to reboot the laundry and the dishes.  Sink is shiny and I was dressed to the shoes.  I think I know part of my problem.  I have been trying to clean without sound.  No music or podcasts. I think that needs to change... we will see what we can do tomorrow.

Tomorrow is bill pay day.  have Mortgage and a Home Improvement loan to pay on and unfortunately having been laid off I can only pay one of them.  Unless DH got a decent bonus that is.  The unemployment bennies have been somewhat irregular in showing up in the acct thus far so I am afraid to count on it showing up when we need it.  Life is about to get very tight financially.  The bills have to be paid.  I need to get off my franny and get out there and sell Avon.  Staying around the house is only making me miserable especially since I can't seem to get the house clean all in one fell swoop.

I need a redo

Well it took way too long to finish my morn ritual yesterday and because I didn't work my blog last night its going to do the same today.  And yes I was right. Difficult to walk after the previous night's excursion.  Blister deep in the pad of the ball of my foot hurts and ankles hurt.  I am so frustrated at myself. And that of course only makes the depression worse.  But I can't let go of it.  Yesterday was supposed to be Day 5 and I can't do that day's assignment without my DH close.  I need him there when I finally give voice (words) to all the negativity in my soul.  Doing that is dangerious to me mentally and I need him there specially since I don't know how to turn some of it around into something good.  All I can think is that its all justified.  Why would I think it if its not true.  And when I go over why the depression gets deeper near suicidal.  A few months ago I had a talk with myself and God stepped in.  He lifted me up and at that point it was then I decided don't give voice to the negativity because doing so gives it the ability to harm me more. (Can you imagine dealing with this incident where you have to maintain composure while you deal with customers coming and going from your convenience store almost constantly)  I need to find that piece of paper where I wrote it all down and go over it all again. Perhaps post here.  I hope I haven't accidentally thrown it away.

Lets see what I got done vs what I didn't get done.  The latter is longer than the former I wll tell ya that right now.  I got my MR done but none of my daily chores, not the day 5 assignment and not my ER.  I left a couple of items in my shiny sink.  Mission assignment was Zone1.  Well I dont have a dining room and my entrance is a part of my living room so that leaves the front porch.  I can do that.  I went and grabbed my hose and spray nozzle and sprayed off the front porch of all debris.  It looks much better now I just need to take the old broken chairs to the trash.  I also need to take some time and plant bulbs in those pots out front... I also took this time to have fun with water and semi torment my dog (thus the pic above)  You see she gets underfoot in the house and needs to go outside.  It was 96 deg outside yesterday and she is a white husky who is still trying desperately to ditch her winter coat.  So I took the hose and chased her around the yard with the water.  I managed to get hold of her tie out and thoroughly soak her fur to the skin.  The pic above is after she shook it out getting me wet too LOL.

Well its 10:46am and I still haven't hardly done my MR yet today.  Hubby has already called and told me its ok if thats all I get done.  I need to hear that.  Even tho my Motivation Ctr says it I still need to hear it.